Tuesdays With Maury: Now Even More Depressing

i actually took the time to make this. but why?

 Some people have jobs that don't allow them to watch The Maury Show everyday. Other people don't have jobs and watch The Maury Show everyday. I'm somewhere in between. I record both episodes daily. If you want to know what you've been missing (sex for cheeseburgers, for example), I have created "Tuesdays With Maury", a horrible tumblr page with a tiled background and images that will give you nightmares, daymares, schizophrenia and irritable bowl syndrome.

For those of you who don't know, this title was inspired by "Tuesdays With Morrie", a (probably) depressing, sappy book by Mitch Albom, who I think sucks because he made me cry when I stupidly read "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" right after the death of a close friend, thinking it would make me feel better. Well, it didn't. I cried even more. For making me cry, Mitch Albom, I give you this tribute and hope that if you somehow find my crappy website, it will make you cry, too. 

I once went to a Maury taping and it felt like being in a four-hour line for a new roller coaster at Six Flags, but without any ride at the end. Except for a horrible bus ride at the end. I'm convinced that some of the people at the taping took the hour-and-a-half long bus ride from the Old Navy near Port Authority to Stamford, CT, for no other reason than to be "discovered" by a producer and get on the show. Their bus conversations were worse than what actually happened on stage. The guy across the aisle from me on the bus was on his cell and told the person at the other end, "Hang up, call the cops, and call me back. She can't take the kids from you like that." I couldn't escape.

The best part of the whole thing was watching to see if I would get on TV, which meant that I watched more Maury in those following months than ever in my life. But there was a payoff: My right arm, cocked in a "boo", was made famous by the producers when they chose it, along with some other peoples' "boo faces" (who I doubt received and compensation for the use of their likeness), for a pivotal crowd shot at a highly emotional moment of the show.

my 15 seconds of fame

There is so much I could tell about that taping, such as the line at the metal detector and the TSA-style security checkpoint (that didn't even bat an eye when they looked in Carlen's purse and, presumably, saw the water-filled fake boob she found at some bodega) but I think it will have to wait. I am exhausted just from uploading photos to the tumblr page. Maury is exhausting.

P.S. Here's a tasty Jimmy Dean Sausage link that's worth sharing, and a parenthetical explanation of how I found it lest you think I'm a crazy person:

- this site is like reading a Dr. Bronner's soap bottle about paranormal activity. I think a ghost groped or soaped me or both in the shower this morning. Even the sitemap makes me feel like an autistic tarot card reader in the West Village made it using Geocities, Microsoft Word 97 clip art and a surprising, almost otherworldly knowledge of SEO. (T-shirt design idea > Image search: "Rhyme of The Ancient Mariner Etchings" > spooky pentagram etching > this web paradise)