5.21.2011: John Cusack is Tardy to the Party

quote the cusack, nevermore

It has come to my attention that if you are an evangelical christian, the world is ending this year in October, but since you are an evangelical christian doubtlessly following the teachings of Jesus then you get to fly up to heaven with JC himself THIS SATURDAY!!! There is a guy named Harold Camping who predicted that the world would end in 1994, but after "re-evaluating" the scriptures, he came up with May 21, 2011. I guess if you're a heathen or a Mexican (Aztec, Inca, whatever) or John Cusack, you probably think it won't happen 'til 2012. But I think this trustworthy-looking talking paper bag knows a little bit more about the end of the world than some fancypants Hollywood know-it-all, don't you?



My buddy Eric has been following all the latest developments of the last 1980-ish years since Jesus was washing poor peoples' feet (ew!) by diligently accepting whatever fliers poor people with dirty feet were handing out in the Union Square subway or the tunnel to the 8th Ave. E train, plus documenting anything posted to a light pole, anywhere:

the suspense is going to kill me (before the earthquake does)

the lady that hands these out also sells delicious, homemade churros... i assume

Now that we know what's going to happen, what do we do? Listen to Rebecca Black a lot, obviously, and look forward to Friday, and then Saturday and Sunday which come... after-wards. We we we so excited. But I also decided to look for some more scholarly advice on some Judgment Day blogs:

buy visine, check.

ignore accusations against priests, check.

use my turn signal, improve parallel parking skills, check.

rent a zipcar and go to Costco for BagelBites and bottled water, check.

cancel and get refund for ticket on richard branson's virgin SpaceShipTwo

So, not being a particularly religious person myself, I have been doing what any rational, secular human being would do in preparation for the rapture: Watching cult recruitment videos on YouTube. The Heaven's Gate cult, the guys who committed mass suicide so that they could fly up to a spaceship that was trailing behind the Hale-Bopp Comet, have some pretty killer vids. In the recruitment tapes, Marshall Applewhite, the leader of Heaven's Gate, basically tells the same story as these Rapture people, that the earth is going to be reborn soon and the chosen ones will need to leave earth before it happens; that they possess the knowledge of how to escape; and that they will return once it's all over. Here's one of many on YouTube that I watched last night to induce strange dreams and more bed-wetting.



They filmed a bunch of stuff before swallowing drug-laced applesauce (which seems like an egotistical choice by cult leader Applewhite) and blasting off to outerspace. The thing is, they all seem really happy in their pre-suicide tapes. And so does "paper bag head" in his other videos. 

So, whatever: I say let 'em have their fun, and I'll see y'all on Sunday... which comes after-wards.

For more reading about crazy earth conspiracies, search "inner earth." It's a theory that says there is an earth inside the earth, with its own hovering sun and a portal somewhere near the north pole. Here's a map. Seems legit. See ya in hell/McDonald's for Sunday Brunch.