It has come to my attention that if you are an evangelical christian, the world is ending this year in October, but since you are an evangelical christian doubtlessly following the teachings of Jesus then you get to fly up to heaven with JC himself THIS SATURDAY!!! There is a guy named Harold Camping who predicted that the world would end in 1994, but after "re-evaluating" the scriptures, he came up with May 21, 2011. I guess if you're a heathen or a Mexican (Aztec, Inca, whatever) or John Cusack, you probably think it won't happen 'til 2012. But I think this trustworthy-looking talking paper bag knows a little bit more about the end of the world than some fancypants Hollywood know-it-all, don't you?
My buddy Eric has been following all the latest developments of the last 1980-ish years since Jesus was washing poor peoples' feet (ew!) by diligently accepting whatever fliers poor people with dirty feet were handing out in the Union Square subway or the tunnel to the 8th Ave. E train, plus documenting anything posted to a light pole, anywhere:
the suspense is going to kill me (before the earthquake does)
the lady that hands these out also sells delicious, homemade churros... i assume
Now that we know what's going to happen, what do we do? Listen to Rebecca Black a lot, obviously, and look forward to Friday, and then Saturday and Sunday which come... after-wards. We we we so excited. But I also decided to look for some more scholarly advice on some Judgment Day blogs:
buy visine, check.
ignore accusations against priests, check.
use my turn signal, improve parallel parking skills, check.
rent a zipcar and go to Costco for BagelBites and bottled water, check.
cancel and get refund for ticket on richard branson's virgin SpaceShipTwo
So, not being a particularly religious person myself, I have been doing what any rational, secular human being would do in preparation for the rapture: Watching cult recruitment videos on YouTube. The Heaven's Gate cult, the guys who committed mass suicide so that they could fly up to a spaceship that was trailing behind the Hale-Bopp Comet, have some pretty killer vids. In the recruitment tapes, Marshall Applewhite, the leader of Heaven's Gate, basically tells the same story as these Rapture people, that the earth is going to be reborn soon and the chosen ones will need to leave earth before it happens; that they possess the knowledge of how to escape; and that they will return once it's all over. Here's one of many on YouTube that I watched last night to induce strange dreams and more bed-wetting.
They filmed a bunch of stuff before swallowing drug-laced applesauce (which seems like an egotistical choice by cult leader Applewhite) and blasting off to outerspace. The thing is, they all seem really happy in their pre-suicide tapes. And so does "paper bag head" in his other videos.
For more reading about crazy earth conspiracies, search "inner earth." It's a theory that says there is an earth inside the earth, with its own hovering sun and a portal somewhere near the north pole. Here's a map. Seems legit. See ya in hell/McDonald's for Sunday Brunch.
conduct breast cancer screenings every year on your friends
Or maybe not. But with the amount of time I have been wasting spending listening to music lately — both live and, er, dead? — I thought I would share a couple of recent thoughts and finds. In recent posts I have talked about rappers with interesting voices and the fact that listening to late-50s era Hawaiian records on cold gray rainy days could theoretically make you happier and more productive, but I caught a show last week (does that phrase sound like a euphemism for getting a venereal disease?) that revitalized my love of live music, especially "catching a show" that doesn't cost a ridiculous amount of money to see (or cure).
When I lived in Athens, GA, there was always so much music to be seen, and covers/tickets were always pretty cheap, otherwise I wouldn't have gone because I was a broke college student whose monthly budget — and how I spent my time — was usually broken down as follows:
~ 35-55% finding "things" with names like "Hawaiian Sativa", "Princess", "Grape-le", "Outdoor Indo"
~ 25-35% eating, trying to eat, driving somewhere to eat, grilling on the front patio, buying food
~ whatever % is left was for drinking, girls, drinking with girls, reading, drawing, listening to music and school (and school was always last)
But you could go out on a random Tuesday, plop down a $5 cover and see a great performance from a band you'd never heard of before (this link also shows the beautiful Georgia Theatre before it burned down). I even saw Kings of Leon (when they were good, around 2004, which was coincidentally when they could barely play their instruments other than make a bunch of noise and howl) and My Morning Jacket play at the 40 Watt Club, a small standing room only venue that only fits about 300 people. The MMJ show was a "costume required" show they called the Under The Sea Prom — everyone was required to wear prom or "under the sea" attire and they threatened to deny entrance unless you conformed to the dress code. They wore pastel tuxes and rubber Elvis hair, played songs like "Dancin' In The Moonlight" and "Johnny B. Goode" and even elected a King and Queen for the night: it was a three-hour dance party and the most fun I've ever had at a concert.
Pre-show dance party at my brother's apartment, listening to The Rolling Stones' Beggar's Banquet, the best pre-show album of all time:
At the show, random blond stickin' her finger in my nose, probably because I was groping her all night.
lookin' for love in all the wrong places
All that being said, (probably unnecessarily) I went and saw Morning Teleportation at Brooklyn Bowl last Friday for $5, and it reminded me just how great SOME of the music here in Brooklyn can be: Just like Athens, there is a ton of flotsam, basically the result of the ratio of available time slots at bars, lazy club bookers and underemployed twenty-somethings wanting to have a band and skateboard.
This was one of my favorite songs of the night, because I think it best represents the band's rootsy, picking guitar playing that doesn't come across as folksy, but instead modern and splashy.
The whole performance is up on the band's YouTube channel and is worth watching if only to look for the guy wearing the neon green suit; I think the "hit song" that you may have heard is Expanding Anyway.
An upcoming show that isn't crazy expensive and worth checking out if you're in New York is my friend Kurt's band, Country Mice, at The Knitting Factory on Friday. If you don't like the song "Ghost" (streaming from the link above), I probably won't like you. It's a damn-near perfect rock song, just like Kurt's mustache is damn-near perfect.
Also, my token African friend Jasper's band, North Highlands, is fresh out tha studio and is playing later this month at the Mercury Ballroom. Go see them immediately (later this month). I will be in Ohio filming a documentary about Lionhead Rabbits, but you should go and dance and twirl and go to Nice Guy Eddie's afterward to eat cheap hot wings, drink shitty beer and play Naked Photo Hunt and just have an all-around classy night out on New York's hip and trendy Lower East Side. (That is the grossest sentence I have ever written.) Here's their amazing video that features Jasper's amazing van.
Finally, for a band that I have no ties to but has come onto my radar (which sounds vaguely dirty porno sexual if you change the spelling a little) is a band with a relatively awful name, Apache Dropout, but with a lo-fi anthemic sound that I'm diggin' on right now. I want to listen to them while dancing with girls dressed all in black with bleach-blond hair, drinking whiskey and cheap beer from cans and making out while waiting in line for the single bathroom with a broken lock. You can download the first side of their LP at the link above: Listen to "Sam Phillips Rising" over and over and support your bad habits and theirs by buying the album.
Love the cover art, courtesy of Bull City Records:
Also, I think my rabbit's tail is getting too long? Does anyone have any information about this? How long is too long for a bunny tail?
Oh, three more things then I promise I'm done. One: You should save up your allowance and get cultured and smart by seeing my dear friend Cat on Broadway in War Horse, which officially opens today! It had a huge run in London and it is Steven Spielberg's next film, which is slated to come out in December. Congrats to Cat who is the hardest working woman in show-biz that I know, and here's to a long, multi-season run! While you're in that area of town gettin' some culture, don't be fooled by thinking you'll take a break from being smart if you follow this sign:
It is NOT a midtown location for the Insane Clown Posse but instead a bunch of artsy photographs, if you're into that kinda thing, so don't be fooled.
Two, I want to once again issue a formal apology to my friend Stephanie for missing my call to be in Abel Ferrera's new film and get yelled at by Willem Dafoe. That was a mistake I'll never live down and I'm sorry.
Three, I am now going to start editing/programming my friend Matt's great website, Staccato, featuring the best micro-fiction available on the webz. What began as a literary mag in Athens is being reborn once again in Brooklyn and soon in paper form! But for now, check out the website where we will be publishing submitted stories twice weekly. Submit! Read!
Final non-sequitur, this disturbs me: What is corn up to? And what is Korn up to?
