Wait For It

Some stuff about me:

• If you're a skateboarder over the age of 30 and you don't have a video game or a show on MTV, I'm judging you, and you've got a big hole to dig yourself out of for me to like you.  

 

• I want to start a website called etsy-wetsy.com. It will be the result of me and my rabbit going to craft fairs and peeing on kitchy, handmade items.

• If you're a girl walking into my bedroom and you see one side of the bed is piled with clothes, magazines, drawings, pamphlets, empty shopping bags and newspapers, I didn't expect you to be here.

• My life's Catch-22 is that I am good at everything but monotonous work, and monotonous work seems to be an essential part of the American Dream. Of course, this is what the American Dream looks like, so screw it:

redeemed by the cardiologist

• I am seriously considering getting an online personal assistant from India or Bangladesh or whatever's cheapest because I become paralyzed by the most mundane, simple, routine tasks. This includes mailing a letter and writing a check. Or "paying rent."

• I've said it before and I'll say it again: I really think it sucks that every time someone returns a pair of Tom's to the shoe store, they take a pair back from a needy child.

• That being said, what a dream job.

• I made this drawing. I call it "Jack Hannah-bal Lechter Goes To Australia." I probably need to color it in to show Jack's khaki shirt and koala blood.

• They say cell phones cause brain cancer, but I feel like I'm safe since I pretty much text only. But then I realized I'm walking around with a $90-per-month asbestos cannon sitting in my pocket just two inches from my scrotum.

• I overheard the following statement recently: "That's what sucks about autotune — it takes no talent."

• I recently saw the best license plate I've ever seen in person, and risked death to get this photo:

the search continues

• I think the term "runner's high" is nonsense, but I like to think of a "walker's high" as old people pushing their carts around stoned on pain meds.

• I think abstinence is stupid. Who wants to sit around hearing someone brag about being an experienced virgin?

• I not-so-secretly think it's okay to be pretentious (or at least educated) about almost everything — clothes, food, architecture, design, music, art, literature — but you should also understand that I wear my underwear and t-shirts until they literally disintegrate.

• In my two years in New York, I have witnessed some weird stuff: two people getting urinated upon by bums, two fat old people make out — like, seriously go after it — in a thunderstorm, getting drenched all the way down to the control briefs and massive bra, heard countless stories of masturbating hobos on the subway flashing their crusty weiners at girls I know, but nothing could have prepared me for watching a woman hike her skirt and diarrhea in the street in broad daylight. Actually, that isn't true. I was prepared — I had my camera phone ready:

you see, the socks are protecting the sandals from splashback

I think this is all I have for today. I've been sort of manic-depressive lately over the completion of tasks and looking toward the next one, and to completing one thing before moving on to the next. I need to believe that I am, indeed, doing what I should be, even when sometimes it's very stressful and seems to be leading nowhere. And sometimes I just need to relax, and not be some damn high strung.

My good friend sent a text yesterday (that likely blasted my balls chock-full of cell phone radiation) telling me I'd been slacking on this blog, which gave me a little motivation to write a few things down that have been stuck in my head. Sorry they're all crazy...

Things That I (Mistakenly) Think Will Make My Life Complete and Make Me A Real American: May 2011 Edition

I had everything planned out: Ohio hotel with lenient pet rabbit policies, cheap car rental, Spaghetti Warehouse banquet dinner tickets, everything. I had found a rental car online for only $18 per day if I just went and picked it up at JFK airport. And then the American economic system (in the form of an double-chinned, age-undetermined woman wearing some sort of pantsuit) almost ruined my trip. This curly-haired gremlin troll told me that although I had reserved the car online, and although I could (theoretically) pay for the cost of the car rental, she could not rent it to me because I have chosen not to have a credit card because I think they are stupid and a middle-class trap and I'm not sure I am enough of an adult to handle having money at my disposal whenever and wherever I want it. So I ended up having to rent a car from another rental agency for about 5 times that price because they would rent to a debit card, and all they had left were expensive SUVs. That being said, it all worked out but it was over my planned budget for the trip.

It got me thinking though: If I got a credit card, would I just buy everything I covet and it at home with my possessions and never leave the house and develop a vitamin D deficiency and lose all remaining scraps of social skills? If so, that actually just sounds like what I've been doing over the past 6 months in cold, dreary, horrible, the worst, New York City winter, except that I would have cooler stuff. Let the patriotism begin (with a crippling amount of debt)!

1) I want a yellow lamp. I don't know why but I need it.

from west elm ($69)

Or this one:

from etsy ($89)

2) I need an alarm clock because my rabbit chewed through the power cord of the one I've had since I was 4 years old, which also electrocuted both her and me one night at 4am.

from etsy ($85 plus shipping from a tiny Chinese man)

Or this one:

from etsy ($28)

3) I need blue shoes (I do not need these at all but if I had good credit I would own them then not be able to pay for them and therefore have bad credit and live the American Dream).

from Yuketen via Woodlands Supply Co. ($275)

Or these (because the brick sole is cool):

from Eastland via Epaulet ($185 on sale)

4) I need a kilim rug for my room and for my sanity.

from kilim.com ($900)

Or this one:

from kilim.com ($1,100)

5) I need a footrest or an ottoman (because I am too cool for stool wah wah wah):

from moss ($455)

Or this:

from The Future Perfect ($393)

6) I need an industrial-looking table for my turntable and vintage amp because right now they are sitting on the floor:

from World Market ($330)

Or this, since I have free credit money:

from Get Back, Inc. ($unknown)

7) I need a place for indoor plants to replace the pitcher plant I had last summer that I named Ru Paul that died shortly after I bought him/her:

from Manufactum (~$40)

Or this:

from etsy ($35)

This could go on literally forever, so...

Let's all be New American Patriots and get into credit card debt! Yayyy! (We killed Bin Laden! click link for an awkward celebration in my awkward neighborhood — thanks Jasper.)