Things That Will Be Becoming Soon

DisTRActiondiStractIONdiStRACtionDIStracTiONdiStrACTIONDistRAcTion

I get distracted. "Distraction is Action?" In my case, maybe, but not necessarily productive.

I have been missing you zero weekly readers/many weekly visitors who mistakenly arrived here from google based upon this site's name and your sexual fetishism. Since this site is actually about life lessons (which are offered by someone who is in little position to give them), remember this: your sexual appetite can only get weirder/more fun for so long; then the day comes when "grandma put down the gun" is no longer a viable safe word and you end up naked in a closet acting out a suspicious episode of Kung Fu, so please stop searching for pooping videos. You'll be better for it, I promise.

That being said, I'm moving forward with some things, including the once-neglected but now resurrected Gremlins T-Shirt. Want one? Let me know in the comments section. Each will be made to order on a white vintage tee. Choose from sizes Small, Medium, Large, "Bulking Up For Winter"**, or "Jerry Springer, Cut Me Out of My House"**

** Limited quantities available, probably

Also, I made this today after discovering that some German guy already made the LOVE logo into the word LOST, which was a krautzenbummer. But this looks kinda cool, too, I think.

art is so easy!

Also, a little later today, my friend Sean and I are going to be getting down on some sacrilegious/offensive Easter eggs. I made some last year that were so good that my friend's mom wants to sell them out on the West Coast.

These were weird, but I think this year is going to be way better. I will leave no stone unturned!

(does anybody get that Jesus pushing the stone away joke? am I the only one who at least at one time attended Sunday School/faked reading the Bible?)

It feels good to know that even after all this time, this blog still sucks. YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY I haven't missed a step!

Job Hunting: Just As Depressing As Regular Hunting

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The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Casey Casem Quote About Whitney Houston? (And Gremlins T-Shirt Design)

My fourth grade girlfriend played "I Will Always Love You" to me over the phone. You think she meant that? We broke up like two weeks later.

No, I am not writing about domestic violence between '80s power couples/disasters. It's a terrible thing that crack made Bobby whack Whitney. (One of "the unseen dangers of crack cocaine") Bobby was never a great musician, and adding crackhead and wife-beater to his resume did not improve his status, but I felt that this Osama Bin Laden comparison from bestweekever.tv was a little over the top. And for the record, there are few things bleaker than searching "beat up celebrities" on Google Images. Look at this screenshot, for example:

How did Elmo escape this poll? (Miley is winning.)

And how did they know I wanted to get dinner at Chili's tonight? Anyway, here's my big (crackpipe) hit of the day:

About a week ago I promised Gremlins T-shirts, and now I sit here before you (sweatpants on, wrapped in a Snuggie, bunny hiding under bed, life in shambles, trail mix crumbs likely stuck in beard) with a completed design. Behold, the Gremlins Care Label T-shirt (great name, huh?)...

Would you wear this? In public? I would/will/am. I don't know how much I am going to sell them for because I haven't decided on a printer yet. This could be because there are probably 13,000 screenprinters within a mile of me in Brooklyn. Also, I am trying to figure out how many to get printed for a "first-run", so either comment on this post or tell me on facebook (where lately, by the way, I have been "losing" "friends", hopefully because people have been disgusted by this blog, which was created to alienate everyone I know and permanently ruin my chances of corporate employment) or email me at chris [dot] f [dot] barry [at] gmail.com.

Speaking of corporate employment, this is a nice little motto:

Buy this here

I try not to burn bridges but I do believe this is a good perspective, in that there's something about it that shows forward movement and productivity. That being said, I once sent a long, convoluted e-mail to a boss that basically said, "Pay me more or I quit." At the time I had nothing to lose, because I was truly only interested in two scenarios: about 20-percent more money or 100-percent less work. Either way I was going to get what I wanted. My boss flew into town the next day to explain that although it was a well-written letter, the message it contained was one that a 22-year-old kid could not be allowed to give the chief operations officer of a large company. The next afternoon I was playing golf, jobless and happy. My friend from work kept the e-mail and I keep begging him to send it to me, but so far he hasn't. I want to read it so bad.

Anyway, back to my immature endeavors: Tell me if you would like to BUY MY SHIRT, BUY MY SHIRT, BUY MY SHIRT! (Any fans of The Critic out there/alive/not living in your parents' house at 32 years old?)